Monday, April 30, 2012
This afternoon I was out working my tomatoes and a speck of yellow caught my eye. A ladybug was emerging from her pupa shell. I sat for a while watching her stretch her wings, waiting for them to dry out in the heat of the sun. Wanting to get a better look, I reached in to move a leaf that was obstructing my view. That small movement sent the ladybug falling to the earth. She flipped around a few times before finding her footing and slowly crawled up the hill of the tomato plant, back under it's shade. It reminded me of something...
at the end of January I found myself unable to get out of bed. I was beyond tired. Fatigued seemed to be a better description. I was nervous and anxious and unsure about what was going on. I had been diagnosed months before with moderate adrenal fatigue, but had not experienced anything like what I was feeling that week. It was awful. I think back to my poor self that week and just want to give myself a hug. The weeks following that one were hard. I had this social anxiety, wonky blood sugar and was completely unsure of myself. It was so strange and so unlike my true self. With the help of a chiropractor, my husband, family and dear friends, I began to recover. But my true healing came through my mornings spent with the Lord in scripture and in prayer.
I believe that everything in life has spiritual ramifications. That small things like seeds bursting through hard soil are really ordinary miracles. Miracles that we look past. And I can say that I found miracles in the quiet of the morning sitting on my couch. When God says that if we seek Him we will find Him, He means it. And you better believe I was seeking after Him- hard. Because in my weakest of moments, I was doubting that I could ever be better. I was losing hope. I began to think that I would always break into a cold sweat when I walked into a restaurant. That I would have nervous stomach every Sunday morning before church. That I would never have the energy to play in the yard with my children again. I began to believe that! I held fast to the Lord and found that He never let go of me. That my breaking wasn't the end of me, but the beginning of something beautiful. Because when I got to the end of myself, what emerged was hope.
Hope for story time with the kids,
hope for worshiping alongside the band,
hope for bike rides on breezy days,
hope for working hard in the garden.
I found all of that in the quiet of the morning.
When I sought after my God, I found Him.
spontaneous trip to the beach
sand soft as sugar
Moonpie finding her confidence on a boogie board
Buddy throwing off the life jacket, and welcoming waves
night spent hunting shells on the beach
Moonpie whispering "this is the best night of my life"
kissing my love with the waves breaking behind us
a church body that prays and loves
a friend that puts off packing to sit and talk
finding hope in a ladybug
bunnies to cuddle
corn grazing my shins