what emerges

This afternoon I was out working my tomatoes and a speck of yellow caught my eye.  A ladybug was emerging from her pupa shell.  I sat for a while watching her stretch her wings, waiting for them to dry out in the heat of the sun.  Wanting to get a better look, I reached in to move a leaf that was obstructing my view.  That small movement sent the ladybug falling to the earth.  She flipped around a few times before finding her footing and slowly crawled up the hill of the tomato plant, back under it's shade.  It reminded me of something...

at the end of January I found myself unable to get out of bed.  I was beyond tired.  Fatigued seemed to be a better description.  I was nervous and anxious and unsure about what was going on.  I had been diagnosed months before with moderate adrenal fatigue, but had not experienced anything like what I was feeling that week.  It was awful.  I think back to my poor self that week and just want to give myself a hug.  The weeks following that one were hard.  I had this social anxiety, wonky blood sugar and was completely unsure of myself.  It was so strange and so unlike my true self.  With the help of a chiropractor, my husband, family and dear friends, I began to recover.  But my true healing came through my mornings spent with the Lord in scripture and in prayer.

I believe that everything in life has spiritual ramifications.  That small things like seeds bursting through hard soil are really ordinary miracles.  Miracles that we look past.  And I can say that I found miracles in the quiet of the morning sitting on my couch.  When God says that if we seek Him we will find Him, He means it.  And you better believe I was seeking after Him- hard.  Because in my weakest of moments,  I was doubting that I could ever be better.  I was losing hope.  I began to think that I would always break into a cold sweat when I walked into a restaurant.  That I would have nervous stomach every Sunday morning before church.  That I would never have the energy to play in the yard with my children again.  I began to believe that!  I held fast to the Lord and found that He never let go of me.  That my breaking wasn't the end of me, but the beginning of something beautiful.  Because when I got to the end of myself, what emerged was hope.

Hope for story time with the kids,

hope for worshiping alongside the band,

hope for bike rides on breezy days,

hope for working hard in the garden.

I found all of that in the quiet of the morning.

When I sought after my God, I found Him.



gratitude:


spontaneous trip to the beach
sand soft as sugar
Moonpie finding her confidence on a boogie board
Buddy throwing off the life jacket, and welcoming waves
night spent hunting shells on the beach
Moonpie whispering "this is the best night of my life"
kissing my love with the waves breaking behind us
a church body that prays and loves
a friend that puts off packing to sit and talk
finding hope in a ladybug
bunnies to cuddle
corn grazing my shins

passover

Our Easter garden

Last night we observed passover in a very protestant, modern way.  We ate pizza (it was practically unleavened), lit some candles and talked about what the passover meant for the Israelites thousands of years ago and what it means for us today.  It just so happens that we have been studying Moses and the passover account in our Bible curriculum during the school day, so the kids were really into the discussion we had.

The conversation was about remembering.

About obedience.

God told His people that He wanted them to talk about the passover every year- to remember how He set them free from their slavery under the Egyptians.  How He sent an angel to "passover" the homes marked with the blood from the sacrificial lamb.  How death fell on the households of those that did not obey.

We discussed how God wanted His people to remember what He has done, because we are extra good at forgetting His goodness.  He pours grace upon grace over us, and in the midst of hardships (or sometimes, just getting through the day), we forget.  We forget that the God we have entrusted our eternity with, can be entrusted with our present.

This talk of remembering resonated with me.  I have been focusing on remembering lately as we wade through the s-l-o-w adoption process.  Remembering that the God that gave us two remarkable children through birth is the same God that is adding to our family again through adoption.  That His timing is perfect.  Truly perfect.  That we are not choosing a baby.  No.  We are waiting on the baby that we have been chosen for.

I love how throughout scripture, God refers to Himself as "the One who was, the One who is, and the One who will be".  He is forever.  He's always been forever.  And when I begin to forget this, I can look back on the way He has blanketed us with His lavish love.

How our neighbor that has never spoken to us brought us two watermelons on the morning that I woke up craving watermelon.  How He walked us through losing a baby.  How zinnias, my very most favorite flower, are popping up all over the garden.  How He walked me through my parent's divorce.  How He walked the Israelites through the wilderness.

He's always been there.

Guiding.
Leading.
Loving.
Disciplining.

I want to remember.


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As we reflect and celebrate during this holy week, we are using these two ideas/resources:

an Easter Garden

this devotion (we are simply following the guide for the week between Palm Sunday and Easter) as suggested by my buddy Heather.

I'd love to hear what you are doing!

on corn and contentment

Cucumbers and tomatoes from last year's garden.

It is time to get going in the garden.  I can't believe I forgot to start my tomatoes and peppers.  I mean, what was I even doing in February?  Besides not starting my seedlings?  Our ag extension sells tomato and pepper plants as a fundraiser for scholarships, so not all is lost, but I was really looking forward to this year being a cost free garden.  That all of my seed saving last year would have paid off this year.

If I look back, I know where the forgetfulness started.  It began with getting my seed catalogs in January.  I saw all of those beautiful pages of heirloom, non-GMO corn and I began to feel ungrateful.  I wanted to be able to plant that corn.  I wanted to be able to offer my family and friends corn that has not been tainted by modern technology.  But I don't have the space.  So I became ungrateful for what I do have.  All of that discontent thinking led me to put the garden on the back burner.  It became all or nothing in my mind.  How foolish.  How ugly.

So maybe I can't plant corn.

I have a home.

So maybe I can't plant corn.

I have the money to buy organic frozen corn at the store.


So maybe I can't plant corn.

I have a healthy family.  Even though they have occasionally consumed GMO corn.


And obviously this list goes on and only reveals my stupidity.  My inability to be joy-filled with what God has given me.  Like life and breath, and over and above all- grace.

My inability to open my arms and whole-heartedly accept what He chooses for my life.

So after a month of refining, of getting the things that I know in my mind to be settled and planted firmly in my heart, I can think about the garden again.  And even though I forgot about planting those tomato seeds in February, I was reminded of some important truths.  I was busy planting seeds of gratitude, I suppose.  So much in my life vies for the spot where these seeds have been planted.  Lies take root and grow like weeds trying to choke out my joy, my thankfulness.  The garden of the soul takes more maintenance than my vegetables.  And when one of those weeds takes hold and pulls me down, I wobble up only through the grace of my Father, the Good Shepherd.  The One who leads and prunes and piles grace upon grace.

on the road again

so i've been making granola for my (one) customer and i thought of something i wanted to share with you. it's the story of my health journey.

when i think back on my childhood one of the first things that pops into my head is 'stomach ache'. i was chronically sick to my stomach. really all the way up until my mid-twenties. i was teaching full time and also busy serving the teenagers in my church and community. but it came to a point where the stomach aches began to be debilitating. after work i'd come home and lay on the couch. i was sick, i was tired, and i was sad. i was sad that i couldn't be the kind of wife i wanted to be, the kind of friend i wanted to be, and i wanted to be a mommy. but i didn't want to be a sick mommy. so i began praying about my health. really praying. like prostrate on the floor praying. during this time of asking for wisdom, a random woman at my church came up to me and said 'god's been talking to me about you. i think you need to lay off of the dairy.' umm, excuse me random woman? that's crazy talk! i've read my food pyramid!

well, i continued praying, and obviously, ignoring the answers coming to me. i finally had to go in for testing. after a colonoscopy and blood work i was told that i was normal. there was nothing wrong with me. but based on my complaints they prescribed me meds for IBS. that didn't make sense to me. so i didn't take the meds. i eventually got pregnant, and because of that, tried to eat healthier. i stopped drinking soda. i ate -less- fast food. and i began feeling better. actually, the second and third trimester of my pregnancy i felt better than i ever had. and after moonpie was born she began having digestive problems. my pediatrician advised me to lay off the dairy. hmm...i'd heard that before. but being wiser (after all, i WAS a mom now: ) ) i listened. and within a week of cutting out dairy i felt great! and so did moonpie! it was right around then that god put a new friend in my life. she became my health mentor. i was (and still am) so thankful for this woman. she is wise and lives her convictions. i needed this kind of woman in my life so badly. kicking the dairy was hard for me. but i'm so thick headed that once i choose to do something, there's no turning back! this got me thinking though, could my health REALLY be so linked to my diet? i mean, COME ON!!! how can it be that easy? so i started reading. and reading. and praying. and praying. one very memorable day was when i was sooooo frustrated with all the information and mis-information i was coming across. what was the right way? i went to god in prayer and through my tears and turmoil he showed me this bible passage in daniel, chapter one:

8 But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way. 9 Now God had caused the official to show favor and sympathy to Daniel, 10 but the official told Daniel, "I am afraid of my lord the king, who has assigned your [c] food and drink. Why should he see you looking worse than the other young men your age? The king would then have my head because of you."
11 Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, 12 "Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. 13 Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see." 14 So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days.
15 At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food. 16 So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead.
17 To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds.

so at first i thought, 'yes lord! i will be a vegetarian! thank you for your very literal and black and white answer!' but then he told me to look at it again, and again, and again. after a week of praying on this scripture what i felt him telling me was that it wasn't about the food. it was about my motives and the spiritual application. he showed me that yes, i should abstain from the 'rich foods of the king', but for me it was more about the spiritual discipline that needed to be sowed within me. i needed discipline, i needed to learn how to deny myself. the next day (after about a week of praying on this) i went back to him and asked for specifics. now that i understood my motive wasn't my health, it was my relationship with him, he gave them to me. i was to abstain from processed foods, refined foods and dairy (at this time i had never heard of raw dairy...more to come on that). i was only to eat REAL food, and he was very specific that i needed organic produce. but to be honest, we couldn't afford organic produce. again, it wasn't really about the produce, it was about trusting and being obedient. so i prayed about our financial situation and the fact that i couldn't afford to buy organic produce. the very next day (no exaggeration here) the new friend i mentioned before called me up. she told me that she was a part of an organic produce co-op and she felt god was telling her to buy my family organic produce every month! i was beside myself with excitement. i told her about my prayer the day before, and we both were overjoyed! so she was faithful. for 1 1/2 years she bought my family organic produce every 2 weeks. i'll never forget the first shipment. i had never even dreamed of eating that much produce in a 2 week period. i called her and said 'umm...i think you forgot to take your produce out of my box.' she cracked up and told me, no, it was all for me. and i needed to strive to eat it all!

so those were the beginning stages. and at every stage god was faithful to provide the money we needed to afford the food we needed to be eating. sure, it called for some sacrifice on our part. we cut cable, we went down to one cell phone, even one car. we moved out of our house and into our friend's 700 square foot guest house...but what fantastic spiritual truths we obtained! the truths of self-denial, of discipline, of living simply...it was such a rich time in our lives.

after about 4 1/2 years of eating 65-85% raw with very little meat, my health began to plateau. i was tired and shaky feeling. all the time. that started about 1 1/2 years ago. so i've been back on my knees. asking god for guidance here. i feel like i'm back on the road again- looking for direction from my god and he is delivering. of course he is. the information he is leading me to is not in contradiction to what he taught me 6 years ago. see, i really needed to go almost full fledged vegetarian. my body was at so much dis-ease that i needed a true purification time. but right now i feel my body is ready to handle what is described as a 'traditional' diet. one with more fat and protein than i was before eating, but still loaded with fruit and veggies. mainly my beloved green leafies! i know so much more now about enzymes, maintaining a healthy gut flora, and about continuing to stay away from franken-foods and anything processed.

so for me, in my health journey, it really hasn't been about my health at all. i mean, that has been a fantastic benefit! but i've never been out to be skinny or whatever- it's all been about the spiritual truths that could be obtained from this one, seemingly simple, area of my life. those truths have been self-discipline (i'm constantly having to think ahead about food i need to prepare and carry with me if we go out), self-denial (walk past that do-nut table, you can do it!), and obedience. it's about not deceiving myself into thinking that food isn't really a spritual issue.

because really, it's all spiritual.