making peace

I've been thinking about the upcoming mother's day weekend. I have never loved anything more than motherhood. Right now the gentle background noise of my two playing in their tree house is my soundtrack. And I have to say, I think it is my Greatest Hits. If I were to have such a thing. But, this mother's day will be a little different for us, I think. With losing our little one in December through miscarriage, I know my thoughts will from time to time drift to her on that day. She's on my mind today quite a bit, praying prayers of thanksgiving for the brief amount of time I was able to spend with her as she was within me. She wasn't old enough to know her sex, but we are all certain that she is a girl.

We have had a bumpy road in fertility these past 2 1/2 years. Most of that time has been spent in tears and wonderment. Confusion. Worry. Our journey came to a screeching halt the day I miscarried. After a period of grieving, some things began to become clear for me. First off, the desire for a baby is ok. It is good even. But it can't be all consuming. A wise friend told me one day (in speaking of her own adoption journey) that it's not about the baby. It is about the very specific plan God has for our lives. This was built on by another dear friend when I lost our baby. She reminded me that it is not even only about the plan God has for me and John, rather, that God has very specific plans for the little ones He places within us. Within our wombs, our families, our hearts. I have to tell you, that this has allowed me to make my way to peace over the issue of not being pregnant (I've chosen not to 'own' the term infertility).

So what was the plan for our sweet baby? Why her brief little life? Well, for me, she proved that I can get pregnant. She reminded me to be thankful for the little ones I already have. Her life and death revealed a different side of my God to me. One that was mother-like in His tender care over me during that very sad time. She showed me, again, that God's ways are not my ways. His timing is not my own. And all of that, all of that, brings me such peace.

Finding peace is not the same as making peace. I have found peace in my Heavenly Father, but every day I must choose to make peace with the journey He has chosen for me. And that is what I'm doing now.

What a relief it is!

hugs

thank you so much for all of the kindness you have shown here lately. i cannot tell you how much your words, your thoughts, your prayers, mean to us. if i could wrap each of you in a big hug right now, i would.

i think we are doing well. there are hard moments and sadness still, but overall, peace resides. peace in the knowledge that we are deeply loved and cared for, and being held near the heart of god during this time.

yesterday turned into a hard day. i couldn't shake this melancholy feeling all day, and then while i was cleaning out the art nook, i came across a basket of baby announcements moonpie had made. there must be 20 in there at least. each one has a little baby cradled by the moon and reads "u babe is kumen to taln" (a baby is coming to town). that sweet big sissy. i sat on the couch next to john and cried. oh the lessons of hope and loss, and then back to hope. what a difficult path. i think the hardest part for me has been to allow the sadness to move in and take over for a minute. to just sit and work through the sad. that is important, yet something i resist. this morning the thought popped into my head "i wonder what color her eyes would have been". and instead of pushing the thought out and moving onto dinner plans or school plans, i just sat and thought about it for a minute, cried a little, and then moved on. and it was good. acknowledging the grief feels like honoring the baby, and myself. honoring the fact that i can survive this. that i can be sad, yet joyful at the same time. that i can continue to have hope that a fourth babe will come along one day.

thank you for the love you have passed on-

here it is

back to you

-mandi