We have had a bumpy road in fertility these past 2 1/2 years. Most of that time has been spent in tears and wonderment. Confusion. Worry. Our journey came to a screeching halt the day I miscarried. After a period of grieving, some things began to become clear for me. First off, the desire for a baby is ok. It is good even. But it can't be all consuming. A wise friend told me one day (in speaking of her own adoption journey) that it's not about the baby. It is about the very specific plan God has for our lives. This was built on by another dear friend when I lost our baby. She reminded me that it is not even only about the plan God has for me and John, rather, that God has very specific plans for the little ones He places within us. Within our wombs, our families, our hearts. I have to tell you, that this has allowed me to make my way to peace over the issue of not being pregnant (I've chosen not to 'own' the term infertility).
So what was the plan for our sweet baby? Why her brief little life? Well, for me, she proved that I can get pregnant. She reminded me to be thankful for the little ones I already have. Her life and death revealed a different side of my God to me. One that was mother-like in His tender care over me during that very sad time. She showed me, again, that God's ways are not my ways. His timing is not my own. And all of that, all of that, brings me such peace.
Finding peace is not the same as making peace. I have found peace in my Heavenly Father, but every day I must choose to make peace with the journey He has chosen for me. And that is what I'm doing now.
What a relief it is!