Monday, May 3, 2010

making peace

I've been thinking about the upcoming mother's day weekend. I have never loved anything more than motherhood. Right now the gentle background noise of my two playing in their tree house is my soundtrack. And I have to say, I think it is my Greatest Hits. If I were to have such a thing. But, this mother's day will be a little different for us, I think. With losing our little one in December through miscarriage, I know my thoughts will from time to time drift to her on that day. She's on my mind today quite a bit, praying prayers of thanksgiving for the brief amount of time I was able to spend with her as she was within me. She wasn't old enough to know her sex, but we are all certain that she is a girl.

We have had a bumpy road in fertility these past 2 1/2 years. Most of that time has been spent in tears and wonderment. Confusion. Worry. Our journey came to a screeching halt the day I miscarried. After a period of grieving, some things began to become clear for me. First off, the desire for a baby is ok. It is good even. But it can't be all consuming. A wise friend told me one day (in speaking of her own adoption journey) that it's not about the baby. It is about the very specific plan God has for our lives. This was built on by another dear friend when I lost our baby. She reminded me that it is not even only about the plan God has for me and John, rather, that God has very specific plans for the little ones He places within us. Within our wombs, our families, our hearts. I have to tell you, that this has allowed me to make my way to peace over the issue of not being pregnant (I've chosen not to 'own' the term infertility).

So what was the plan for our sweet baby? Why her brief little life? Well, for me, she proved that I can get pregnant. She reminded me to be thankful for the little ones I already have. Her life and death revealed a different side of my God to me. One that was mother-like in His tender care over me during that very sad time. She showed me, again, that God's ways are not my ways. His timing is not my own. And all of that, all of that, brings me such peace.

Finding peace is not the same as making peace. I have found peace in my Heavenly Father, but every day I must choose to make peace with the journey He has chosen for me. And that is what I'm doing now.

What a relief it is!


Nicole Benjamin said...

Thank you for sharing your heart in this beautiful post Mandi. Before having my three children I tried getting pregnant for a few years and it was devastating and consuming. When I finally came to the thoughts similar to what you just shared and really felt that peace that is when I became pregnant with my first and had no idea I was pregnant for three whole months because it never ever would have crossed my mind that that was a possibility. I wish you peace and hope on this journey. xoxo

cally said...

You're wonderful.

Michelle J said...

So beautifully said! Stay faithful and hopeful and continue to bask in the love of your beautiful babies. :)

Kirby said...

Praying for you, new friend.

And, I'm your newest subscriber via GoogleReader. Woohoo!

Mandy said...

Thankful that God puts friends together to share hearts and speak truths that He can use conversations to speak to us and comfort us.

Stacy said...

Mandy - you don't know me, although we have a common interest... Becky is my grandaughter's mother.

I've lurked around your blog and found so many neat things that I'm interested in myself at the time.

Why God has blessed me with four children, I'll never understand. I'm afraid I might be one of those women you ask 'why her and not me'...I'm an absolute nut.

But with each of them, I had my hearts desire to have another baby. Between 2 & 3, we miscarried and I was afraid I couldn't have babies again...they are 5 years apart. Then after #3, I longed for 'just one more' and God delivered (after much bribery with my husband)....I'll never understand why me.

When we knew that little Georgia couldn't stay with us, I was devistated. I learned for the first time that I don't always get my way. It hurt worse than anything I've ever witnessed.

God sent me a strong be still and shut my mouth! (not suggesting that's what you have to do) but also to love the children He has already given me.

Love them hard. Love the fact that you're life is getting easier and calmer because they are getting bigger and growing up. Love your husband harder than ever. Put your energies into your precious family. We've been blessed ~ sing praises.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl...I pray that you have a blessed weekend; a wonderful Mothers Day.

We are all wonderful mothers - You, Becky, my Julia.

Take care -

Coby said...

thanks for the wonderful blog sister

The Kramer Family said...

I love you dearly sweet friend. You are a treasure to me and your wisdom beyond words.

Praying in hopeful anticipation with you for the next step-whatever Christ may bring. But also rejoicing with you over your precious ones that we can't seem to get enough of around here.

p.s. very word verification is "cownests" . love it!

brilliantsimplicity said...

Hey Mandi,I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious baby. Reading it brought me to tears. It's such a strange grief that not everyon can understand. B.T. and I miscarried between our 2 boys and so many times I wonder about that sweet baby and what he/she would have been like. Motherhood is the most amazing gift and our boys have blessed us and changed us in more ways than I ever could have imagained possible. Your're absolutely right about a soundtrack to motherhood. I'm absolutely certain "Giggles and Squeals" would be on mine. I'll be praying for you this Mother's Day. BTW, I love your blog. Much love, Jennifer Negron

Mommy, M.D. said...

praying for you, sweet friend. i'm so sorry for your loss.

Nicola (Which Name?) said...

You have me crying. What a powerful post, Mandi.
So often it is when we finally let go that what we dream of happens.
Huge mother's day hugs. We are so very lucky.