beauty {adoption update}

Last Wednesday we received a phone call that our birth mom had been experiencing some contractions and had gone to the hospital.  She was later released and told to rest, in the mean time, our evening picked up the pace.  We were on and off of the phone with our director and our case worker, trying to get a list of all that we needed to get done, just in case he came early.  In the midst of all of that I shot a text to our birth mom to check on her.  I was on the phone with our case worker setting up a home study for the next morning when a text came through.  It was her- our birth mom.  Isn't it amazing how one little text can stop everything?

Your plans?
Your breathing?
Your heart?

She told me that she had chosen a different family.  One that she truly felt was right for her child.

I was crushed in that moment.  After almost two years of waiting and the previous three years of failing to get pregnant and then the miscarriage, I was crushed.

In that moment.

We had ventured into this journey knowing that she could choose to keep the child.  We knew that he was hers until he was ours.  This protection we placed over our hearts has helped to some extent.  However you can never truly be closed and open to a child at the same time, and we definitely were leaning more on the open side.  But the best part of this is that we felt very confident from the very first phone call that we had been chosen in June, that this relationship needed to be about the birth mom.  God had whispered that into our hearts from that very moment, and we moved ahead with that wisdom in place.

We have a good relationship with her.  We love her and we do not hold this against her.  I cannot imagine the pain of this choice.  And then having to tell a family that you care about that the placement isn't going to happen?  So, so hard.

Today we feel good.  Hopeful.  We put one foot in front of the other.  We hug each other and thank God for what we have.  We trust that He has brought us to this point.  And as I make plans to get out this morning and clear some garden space to start with some fall planting, He reminds me that out of the dirt springs beauty.