our heartache

i have been writing this in my head for a few days now...

{{{deep breath}}}

here goes...

over the week of christmas, i miscarried our baby.

on dec. 22 i was sitting at the nutcracker with moonpie, my mom and sister and began spotting. john picked me up and i promptly went to bed with my feet up. my family was hopeful that it was nothing, but in my heart i knew that it was the beginning of the end. for the rest of the day there was nothing. even into the next morning, there was no spotting. but that evening, i was lying in my dad's bed talking to my step-mom and the bleeding started. just like that. i had been cramping on and off all day, but nothing drastic. once the bleeding started, the cramps intensified. john called my midwife and she walked us through what was about to happen. the contractions, the dilating, and the passing. it all happened just as she said it would. and i woke up on christmas eve, my 33rd birthday, without my baby.

we are sad, and are grieving as a family.

but it must be mentioned that we are not hopeless. the post before this entitled "all around the kitchen...emmanuel" was meant to show that god is in all the little things. i guess you could say that this post is about him being in the really big things too. although this was, and continues to be, very difficult, god was very sweet to us. the miscarriage was very quiet and peaceful. i did not have to go to the hospital or through any testing. i am thankful for that. we were at my dad's house with my parents and siblings all close by. my mom and in-laws, while not there physically, were only a short drive away, and were present by phone throughout the day. so while my tendency is to draw in and cave myself up, having my family to talk to and cry with along the way revealed to me in a very real way the grief is easier if shared.

and now that we are back home, our friends have been so good to us. one of my fears was that people wouldn't acknowledge this death, because the pregnancy was so new. but i was wrong. our friends and family have been so loving and encouraging. we have meals being provided. and while the food is so appreciated, what moves me every time is the hug, and the 'i'm so sorry'. i can't tell you how much that means...

so that is where we are now. trying our best to look forward with hope, but not putting this little one out of our minds. because s/he is ours, and will always hold a dear spot in our hearts.