Tuesday, December 29, 2009

our heartache

i have been writing this in my head for a few days now...

{{{deep breath}}}

here goes...

over the week of christmas, i miscarried our baby.

on dec. 22 i was sitting at the nutcracker with moonpie, my mom and sister and began spotting. john picked me up and i promptly went to bed with my feet up. my family was hopeful that it was nothing, but in my heart i knew that it was the beginning of the end. for the rest of the day there was nothing. even into the next morning, there was no spotting. but that evening, i was lying in my dad's bed talking to my step-mom and the bleeding started. just like that. i had been cramping on and off all day, but nothing drastic. once the bleeding started, the cramps intensified. john called my midwife and she walked us through what was about to happen. the contractions, the dilating, and the passing. it all happened just as she said it would. and i woke up on christmas eve, my 33rd birthday, without my baby.

we are sad, and are grieving as a family.

but it must be mentioned that we are not hopeless. the post before this entitled "all around the kitchen...emmanuel" was meant to show that god is in all the little things. i guess you could say that this post is about him being in the really big things too. although this was, and continues to be, very difficult, god was very sweet to us. the miscarriage was very quiet and peaceful. i did not have to go to the hospital or through any testing. i am thankful for that. we were at my dad's house with my parents and siblings all close by. my mom and in-laws, while not there physically, were only a short drive away, and were present by phone throughout the day. so while my tendency is to draw in and cave myself up, having my family to talk to and cry with along the way revealed to me in a very real way the grief is easier if shared.
and now that we are back home, our friends have been so good to us. one of my fears was that people wouldn't acknowledge this death, because the pregnancy was so new. but i was wrong. our friends and family have been so loving and encouraging. we have meals being provided. and while the food is so appreciated, what moves me every time is the hug, and the 'i'm so sorry'. i can't tell you how much that means...

so that is where we are now. trying our best to look forward with hope, but not putting this little one out of our minds. because s/he is ours, and will always hold a dear spot in our hearts.

17 comments:

Dessa said...

Well, then here is another ((hug)) and another "I am deeply sorry for your loss"--but please know that it comes from the bottom of my heart and is sent with all sincerity. No matter how new the pregnancy--you were that little one's mommy and daddy for however long s/he was with you. Hoping that time will ease your pain. Again...I am very, very sorry.

Corin said...

Mandi, I am so so sorry. My heart truly breaks for you. I can only offer my total warmest "over-the-web" hugs! Please know that you and your beautiful fam are in my prayers.

RiverBend Farm said...

Mandi, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. No matter how "new" the pregnancy, when you find out you're pregnant, you are aware of that tiny little life growing inside you. I was in my fifth month when it happened with my first baby. It is a time to grieve. I will keep you and your family in my prayers that this time will be precious to you and that God has His arms wrapped tightly around you.
Berte

Imene said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. I really am at loss of words but be sure that i will hold you in my heart and send a ton of positive energy towards you. God bless you

Val in the Rose Garden said...

{{{hugs}}} I have miscarried two babies, and I understand your pain. It is so hard when a little one that is so wanted goes as a prayer unanswered. Much love to you and your family through this.

Love Val

Coby said...

sister, thanks for the beautiful post. my heart aches with you guys. god with us - emmanuel.

Courtney said...

Hey Mandi-
I've been thinking of you ever since I heard of your loss. Casey shared John's text with me on Christmas Day b/c he knew I could relate (we've lost 3 sweet babies) and that I would pray. I am so sorry that this has happened. But, I am so happy that you are finding comfort and peace in this tough time. Knowing that our sweet babies are in the arms of Jesus brings such peace.
I know you that you have a great support system of family and friends but if you ever need to talk or share your thoughts, please know I am here also, courtlynn2001@hotmail.com
Love you guys,
Courtney (Sink) Higgins

Rachel said...

I am so sorry, Mandi. I am grieving with you and praying for you and your family. Here's another internet hug for you. Much love.

nicola@which name? said...

oh, mandi. i am crying here right now. i am holding you close in my thoughts. i am so sorry for your loss.

and while the sentiment sounds weak on the heels of loss, happiest of birthdays to you. you share the day with my late father in law.

hugs,
nicola
http://whichname.blogspot.com

Becky said...

I love you, Mandi. I'm so incredibly sorry. I will pray diligently and earnestly for you and your sweet family. God has a beautiful plan for you. Praying for hope and peace and courage and that His plan will be revealed to you.

Traci said...

I agree with the cave..that is me too...what an opportunity for you to grow and receive love and support Mandi. I too, am happy you could have this birth at home with loved ones. No doctors.

Love, Traci

cally said...

I'm sorry Mandi. So sorry.

Naturalearthfarm said...

Many warm wishes for peace and healing. I have miscarried and know the intense sorrow at the loss of one of your own.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Warm wishes,
Tonya

RiverBend Farm said...

Mandi, this is Berte again...
You're on my mind and praying that you're doing okay.

Rosie_Kate said...

*sob* Oh, I am so, so sorry. It's been over two and a half years, and yet all those feelings are still vibrant and real for me. I know that pain.

I hope you can grieve and heal. That was a real baby and a real death in your family. Remember that God doesn't send us anything that is actually harmful to us, painful though it may be.

Crunchy Christian Mom said...

Oh, Mandi, I've just seen this post, and I am so sorry to hear your sad news! Life is so fragile. I hope the next year will bring other blessings and joy despite the heartache.

About the Amazon thing -- it was pretty simple, but I haven't sold a thing, so they send me an occasional note with ideas to improve my stats -- I'm not very good at doing them. :)

Jered said...

you are an incredible example to follow. I am very sorry for your loss. We are pregnant right now and a miscarriage is right at the top of my fear list right now. This post and your resilience are amazing and have helped me.
Thank you and God bless